True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
