Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I will die if light touches me.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
