I puked a lego.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
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There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
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If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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