never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
