I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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