The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
