Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
