Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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