we're blogging at a bar
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he shaved USA in his pubs
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
