marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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