You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
