I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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