Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
