It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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