Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
