Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
