the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
