the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize