i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
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Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
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couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
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