I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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