I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
