I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
