I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
