ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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