in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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