I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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