I must be too annoying 4 u.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
