For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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