I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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