I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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