So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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