then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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