Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
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I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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