ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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