I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
