My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
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