Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
