i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
