Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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