you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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