You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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