I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
