im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
