he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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