Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
