I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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