Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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