Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
