shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
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