Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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