from now on my penis is your penis
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
