I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
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there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
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Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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