All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
