At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
