yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
