I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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