genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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